"All I want to do is die"

The mantra, "All I want to do is die," has plagued me since I was an adolescent.  When I was a young man, I remember waking up many times almost every night thinking about the best way to kill myself.  I narrowed it down to standing on a train track at night until the train hit me, to buying a gun and putting it to either my temple or forehead and pulling the trigger.  I learned to live with these ideations through the development of my career.  I spent decades rising through the ranks to become President/CEO, hiding all the time my deep, dark secret.

I lived daily with my self-loathing.  Along the way through my life, my manic depression went undiagnosed.  I suffered most of my life from SEVERE migraine headaches.  These would be totally debilitating, and each one would last for up to 4-5 days. However, once again I learned to live with the agony.  I would drag myself to work, and sat through many board of directors and staff meetings in shear pain.

Then I started a long spiraling decent into sex addiction, drug addiction and alcoholism.  While my life, my family and career started to unravel, it honestly did not matter to me.  The Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics "Nothing Really Matters" became my slogan.  Once while lying in bed with a prostitute, I first put a crack cocaine pipe to my lips. That was the final blow that eventually brought my life crashing down around me. I ended up on the streets, homeless, living at a rescue mission.  One bitter cold, snowy evening, I stood on a bridge over a frozen river, ready to throw my possessions in a k-mart bag, and myself, head first onto the rock hard ice. Some unidentifiable force made me look down, and to see one set of footprints in the snow leading away from my position.  I put my feet into these footprints and started walking away from death.

I spent one year at the Adult Rehabilitation Center of the Salvation Army starting my recovery.  That was six years ago.  Earlier this year I received my 5 year sobriety coin from Alcoholics Anonymous.  Cocaine Anonymous also played a big role in my recovery and relapse prevention.  I never attended any sex addicts 12 step meeting, but release from this addiction has been an integral part of rebuilding my life.  What I realized is that I have an addictive, obsessive-compulsive personality that needs a power greater than mine to control and eventually overcome.

During my years as a homeless man, I finally found a psychiatrist who correctly diagnosed my fundamental psychological problem, i.e., manic depression.  Along with the correct diagnosis came the correct types of anti-psychotic and anti-depressive medications that have allowed me to start picking up the pieces of my life and start over again.  To this day my two, now adult daughters do not want to see me again in person.  Oh we send cards, letters and emails, but I have not met them for many years.  I realize how much I hurt them as my life crumbled.  I never lose hope that they will want to see me again someday.

I have held the same job for five years now, and am grateful everyday for the blessings given me.  Is life a bowl of cherries?  No.  Is my manic depression controlled?  Yes, to a great extent.  Do I still think about killing myself?  Yes, I would be lying to say anything else, but it is certainly less a threat than for most of my earlier life.  I do understand that blaming anyone, including God, for my manic depression is a useless and futile exercise.  I also now know that I should not use my manic depression as an excuse for the myriad bad decisions that I have made in my life.